Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

I’m calling the cops.

There are no pants in heaven.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.