My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
lmfao come on
LMAO
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Hello Twits.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
If only.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.