@tsm560

You’re gonna take google’s word over mine? Fine. FINE.

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@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@juneohara65

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@Home_Halfway

When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead

@WritePlay

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@ValeeGrrl

After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?

@gvicks

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist