My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
You’re gonna take google’s word over mine? Fine. FINE.
You Might Also Like
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.