“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
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