“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
![]()
You Might Also Like
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
philosophical skeletons be like
![]()
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…