You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
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mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
🚲+physics = winner
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had