Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.