A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”