You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My first child will be named New Folder.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper