Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Just me?

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

How dramatic are you?

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

But wait…

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*