You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
i was baptized in a car wash
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.