You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
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My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.