You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Has science gone too far?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Admin smashed it 😂
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot