You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”