Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Worst perfume name ever.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*