You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
August 8
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Fiction has to make sense.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)