You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Maths meets science
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
The internet is magic sometimes.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
blocked.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute