You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”