You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.