You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
You Might Also Like
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Become ungovernable.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Bring back the McRib
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams