Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*