Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

Man these end times are taking forever

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written