You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
an airline just for babies.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up