Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Every. Damn. Time.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”