Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

stop

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.