Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

This headline is a thing of beauty

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

ㅤ

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.