Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

Cndnsd Mlk

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture