You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants