You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
So inspired right now.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
some Old Testament wisdom
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Simple
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”