You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
me when I see my crush
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
🤣😂🤣😂
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset