Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here