“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂