“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.