“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.