Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.