Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.