“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
one last job
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile