@peterjames48

You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!

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@TheTweetOfGod

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

@ksujulie

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

@Blarebare

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@PoshTick

mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.