I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
mom: so where did you two meet?
me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.