Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…