You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.