You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Made something I’m not proud of
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.