Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Support your local cemetery

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.