You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.


Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.


The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.


About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.


Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.


Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?


Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.


Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps: