@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

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@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

@ItsJennaMarbles

Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.

@ObscureGent

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

@caliluvgirl77

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@newLettuce

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps: