Me: I hurt my back really bad
Me: I woke up
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off