You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

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Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up


“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.


Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.


“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb


Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy


Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully


[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this


Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.


Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off