You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
What
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.