You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?