You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.