Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said