You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I love you to the refrigerator and back
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems