You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that