You’re like if “nope” was a person.
You Might Also Like
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart