Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]