Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Truth

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Ugh

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

TRAIN’S HERE

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address