You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.