You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.

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Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very


BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern


Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing


Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.


date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.


[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me


New Coworker: So do you have any kids?

Me: Yeah, one too many

New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?

Me: One


I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.