Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

If a snake ate a cake

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled