You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Bit chilly again tonight.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.