You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
True statement👍😏😁
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Looking at you, Jesus.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead