You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”