You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
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alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf