You’re missing the point and possibly a chromosome…

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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?


“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.


Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file


My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.


Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.


My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.


cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad


A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.


Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what