@ventivodkacran
@murrman5
“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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@murrman5
@ellewasamistake
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
@jwoodham
“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”
@OldSpookMan
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
@vineyille
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
@LittleMissAngr1
It’s been quite a week. My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him this morning, but I set him down outside and now I can’t be sure which one is Simon.
@tweetsbyrocket
[hospital]
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
@DaddyJew
Me: *passes out pizza*
3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2
Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*
3: wow, thank you
@michael_raphone
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
@ruinedpicnic
me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying