@ventivodkacran

You’re missing the point and possibly a chromosome…

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@Jenny4ashley

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

@ericsshadow

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

@slennonhugs

I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull

@WheelTod

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

@AnkCoupleTO

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@Death_Buddy

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*