@ventivodkacran

You’re missing the point and possibly a chromosome…

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@DawleyGirl

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@mansizedthumbs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

@PinkCamoTO

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

@squirrel74wkgn

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

@Shade510

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

@andlikelaura

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

@megantwentytwo

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what