People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.