“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I created you as mosquito food.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.