“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
You Might Also Like
the three branches of government
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.