Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand