@VintageKriner

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

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@GrantTanaka

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

@GBRougecity

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@KKAlThani

Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@0v3rthOught

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

@MatCro

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

@CYComedy

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand