You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.