You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*limbos under the caution tape
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.