You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.