You’re never alone. Theres mold
You Might Also Like
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.