You’re never alone. Theres mold
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Otters see a butterfly.